Daddy, I'm Sorry .... (dated 6/14/12)

by Richard Edfeldt

After Jacob's death, Karen created this blog to record insights in her grief journey.  I would periodically write my insights on notes posted to my Facebook page.  We feel it would be best served if we combined our efforts so I am beginning the process of copying those notes to this blog.  They won't be in chronological order but I will put the original date on each one. 

Many of you know that today is the third anniversary of Jacob's death. Days like this are very hard. You don't feel like doing anything but you need to do something to get your mind off of the day. People tend to shy away from you on this day because they don't know what to say to you. When they do talk to you, they don't bring up 'the subject' because they don't want to upset you, but in doing so we get upset that no one remembers Jacob. It's a really weird day to grapple with.

I was thinking back on that final day (little did we know that it was to be 'that' day) and I remembered sitting by Jacob's bed in ICU and him repeatedly saying, "Daddy, I'm so sorry ..." When I asked why, he would just say again, with tears in his eyes, "I'm so sorry". The impression I was left with was that he was sorry for what he was putting us through. I told him that there was nothing to apologize for; that I had no regrets and have cherished each experience with him.

I remember writing down some things that I cherished in being involved in Jacob's life. I was able to share some of them with him and then it was shared in its entirety at his memorial service.  I share it with you again on this day:

"From time to time throughout Jacob’s life we encountered other adults who had received the same devastating diagnosis that we received about him before he was born. We were told of his fatally flawed heart and were told different pieces of advice – from aborting the pregnancy to simply do nothing and let the baby die shortly after birth.

However, there was one doctor, when pressed with this question, “What would you do if this were your child?” responded, “I would do everything I knew within my power to provide life for him. Otherwise, I would have to deal with the ‘what ifs’ for the rest of my days.” That answer resonated with us and became our guiding light.

In our conversations with other adults facing the same decisions, they would often ask, “Is it worth it? Is it worth all the fear and pain and unknown to have this baby born with overwhelming challenges?”

In the last few days, I’ve pondered on that question and here is a partial list of why I say, “Yes, it was worth it all ….

… to see ‘big sister’ Katie play with Jacob, fight with Jacob, dance with Jacob, and love Jacob.

… to watch Jacob hold his ‘big brother’ in highest esteem, even when they bickered about who was on who’s side of their shared bedroom.

… to watch Jacob play t-ball with a flak jacket in order to protect his heart.

… to watch Jacob shine in his roles in Music Man, Peter Pan, A Christmas Carol, The Emperor’s New Clothes, Bye-Bye Birdie, and Guys & Dolls.

… to see Jacob blossom and bloom in college.

… to be a willing chaperone for many of Jacob’s field trips.

… to witness Jacob being voted “Male Camper of the Year” at Camp Cherokee.

… to be entertained by Jacob’s unique sense of humor.

… to participate in an archeological dig at Rock Eagle with Jacob and watch him discover a pioneer's nail.

… to watch Jacob take great pride in being big brother Ben’s high school team batboy.

… to experience the love and dedication that Jacob’s many medical caregivers displayed toward him.

… to watch Jacob dance with his non-dancing Baptist grandma and with his dancing Methodist grandmother.

… to see Jacob tenderly cradle his newborn nephew, Tucker, and whisper to him, "Will you remember me?"

… to have the privilege of baptizing Jacob.

… to witness Jacob being selected president of his high school chorale.

… to watch Jacob mesmerized by Le Miserable, Phantom of the Opera, Joseph and the Amazing Multi-colored Dreamcoat, Beauty and the Beast, Nutcracker, The Christmas Story, and, especially, Wicked.

… to hear the announcement that Jacob was receiving the first Harris Wheeler choral award.

… to watch Jacob cook with Paula Dean and hear her flirt with him.

… to watch Jacob serve as Ben’s best man.

… to hear of how Katie protected and guided Jacob in his first days at McEachern High School and at Shorter College.

… to watch, with appreciation and some envy, the unusually strong bond of love between Jacob and his mother.

… to climb the 185 steps of the lighthouse at Tybee Island with Jacob after his first transplant.

… to ride in tandem on a snowmobile with Jacob and narrowly avoid hitting the legendary Sasquatch and ended up being tipped over on the side of a Washington state mountain. That's our story and we're sticking to it.

… to hear Jacob speak of his efforts to establish Alpha Sigma Phi as a fraternity at Shorter College.

… to watch, in gratefulness and humility, how Jacob has encouraged and inspired all he has known and many he has never met.

Yes, there have been many desperate times; uncertain times; un-nerving times; down right scary times; and times that required mammoth sacrifices on our family and caused my faith to waver.

But, despite all doctor visits and hospital stays, I would say without equivocation, it was worth it to me and my family because every stressful time only tempered the steel that bonds our family. And to choose otherwise, we would never have had to extraordinary opportunity to experience the life of Jacob Blackburn Edfeldt."