Debunking the 'Superwoman' persona

Karen's Specialist Degree in 2008

by Richard Edfeldt

I may pay for this post later, but I wanted to lay to rest a myth about Karen and other mothers who have lost a child.

First of all, I want to share my admiration for Karen.  She is an amazing woman and mother.  She loves her three children and demonstrated (and continues to) that love in an abundance of ways.

Ben, Katie, and Jacob all viewed Karen as Super Mom and Superwoman.  In addition, many of Karen’s colleagues admired her work ethic and quality of work that was always at the highest level.  She always put her students first and had the same expectations of them as she did for her own children.

• She taught them a respect for others. 
• She explained their place in the world.
• She prepared them for their purpose in the world.
• She demanded a lot from them and helped them to reach that expectation.

Karen was Teacher of the Year in 2009

When Jacob was born and faced the daily challenge of life. Karen took on a new calling that any mother in a similar predicament would accept – keeping her child alive.  Each day she poured herself into that goal. She kept Jacob’s medicine intake on schedule; she made sure he ate the proper foods and got adequate sleep; she treated him as normal as possible; and loved him as much as she loved Katie and Ben.

With each doctor’s appointment, medical procedure, and each major surgery, she questioned Jacob’s doctors so she understood his medical status and prognosis.  At times, she was Jacob’s bulldog and defender when she felt doctors were not demonstrating the best determination for his health.

As Jacob’s health deteriorated and as we endured two heart transplants, she put her own well-being aside to focus on his.  And all the while, she kept being a superlative mother, wife, and teacher.

Then we watched across the ICU hallway while Jacob lost his battle with life … and Karen’s fight was over.

This twenty-one year fight took a heavy toll, which most people do not anticipate on witnessing.

The toll that grief takes on a person is obvious, particularly for a parent losing a child.  I feel I can say what I’m about to say because I am a grieving father but ….

The mother’s loss of a child seems to take a heavier toll on her life.

Since Jacob’s death I have seen a change in Karen.  The fight that she carried to fend off the death angels circling Jacob repeatedly throughout his life took a heavy toll.  Her Superwoman persona has taken on some stress fractures and her fragility is showing.  She still can be superhuman in spurts but her physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being have been permanently depleted.  As my brother-in-law described us, Karen and I are ‘damaged goods’.  That sounds rather harsh, but it is an accurate description.  To most but our closest friends and family, Karen and I may seem normal but we are a fraction of what we used to be.

To those who knew Karen in the past may not see any significant differences when around her, but her Superwoman cape has been stolen by the forces of life and death.

I believe this is the way of all mothers who have struggled for the life of their children and have tragically lost the battle.  They were Super Mom and Superwoman in the midst of the conflict.  Their capacity for love and life were larger than life.  They carried on their normal life responsibilities to their husbands, other children, and work as they fought the good fight side by side with their struggling child. They were amazing to behold in the midst of the battle but now the war is over and they show signs of PTSD.  We who are close to them must take that into consideration when interacting with them.  Our expectations need to be tempered due to the damage, seen and unseen, to them.

I know I’m going to pay dearly for this post because Karen does not want this type of attention (in fact, I may need a place to stay for awhile).  Also she will say I paid just as dear a price as her – and that is true.  I, too, have a diminished capacity for life.  But I believe that a mother’s love for her children is different – not deeper, only different – than a father’s love.   And when a mother loses a child, her Superwoman persona morphs into something different ….

A grieving, fragile mother. And you don't recover from that.  You only learn to adjust to the limp in the gait of your life walk.

But she is still a super person….and I love her very, very much!