??????

Warning: this is a really "gripey" (is that a word?) post. I wouldn't read it if I were you.....


I don't know what to call this post. I'm just irritated. Maybe I just need to move to the mountains and be a hermit. I don't understand why people who know me and know what our family has been through act like we're back to normal. Here's a newsflash.....LIFE WILL NEVER BE NORMAL. EVER!!!!!!!! Just because I get up and go to work, even manage to smile and carry on a conversation does not mean that life will ever be the same again. We are still grieving deeply and missing our Jacob in so many ways. I know that life has gone on for everyone else, but for us, it hurts just as much, if not more. When I read and hear about what Jacob's friends are doing, I just ache - I wonder what kind of job he would have, where he would be living, if he would still have that awful beard, etc.? I still have those fleeting nano-seconds when I wake up and I think he is still alive. I dream about him and then when I wake up, I experience acute grief that it was just a dream and he is still gone.

I think our society is just not comfortable with grief. We mean well, but we don't want to be surrounded by things or people that make us uncomfortable. I still would like to just shroud myself in black and let the world know I am stil mourning. I get that people don't know what to say and don't know what to do, but please, don't act like I am back to normal. Just in case you forgot - I WILL NEVER BE NORMAL AGAIN. I am trying my best to honor Jacob's memory by getting on with life; however, the pain is still just as intense as always.

The experiences of 21 years of hospitalizations, surgeries, transplants, etc. is still just as vivid and has left me exhausted and drained of any emotional energy. I'm getting all the help you can get, but the way I am functioning now may be as good as it gets.

So, before I write and explain what set me off and really offend someone or say something I will regret, let me close. Just know that even when I give the appearance that I am functioning on some sort of normal plane, it is taking every ounce of energy that I can muster. Just in case you forgot...life will never be normal again, or rather, this is the new normal for me and my family, and we don't like it one bit.