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| Karen's Specialist Degree in 2008 |
I may pay for this post later, but I wanted to lay to rest a
myth about Karen and other mothers who have lost a child.
First of all, I want to share my admiration for Karen. She is an amazing woman and mother. She loves her three children and demonstrated
(and continues to) that love in an abundance of ways.
Ben, Katie, and Jacob all viewed Karen as Super Mom and
Superwoman. In addition, many of Karen’s
colleagues admired her work ethic and quality of work that was always at the
highest level. She always put her
students first and had the same expectations of them as she did for her own
children.
- She taught them a respect for others.
- She explained their place in the world.
- She prepared them for their purpose in the world.
- She demanded a lot from them and helped them to reach that expectation.
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| Karen was Teacher of the Year in 2009 |
When Jacob was born and faced the daily challenge of life.
Karen took on a new calling that any mother in a similar predicament would
accept – keeping her child alive. Each
day she poured herself into that goal. She kept Jacob’s medicine intake on
schedule; she made sure he ate the proper foods and got adequate sleep; she
treated him as normal as possible; and loved him as much as she loved Katie and
Ben.
With each doctor’s appointment, medical procedure, and each
major surgery, she questioned Jacob’s doctors so she understood his medical
status and prognosis. At times, she was
Jacob’s bulldog and defender when she felt doctors were not demonstrating the
best determination for his health.
As Jacob’s health deteriorated and as we endured two heart
transplants, she put her own well-being aside to focus on his. And all the while, she kept being a
superlative mother, wife, and teacher.
Then we watched across the ICU hallway while Jacob lost his
battle with life … and Karen’s fight was over.
This twenty-one year fight took a heavy toll, which most
people do not anticipate on witnessing.
The toll that grief takes on a person is obvious,
particularly for a parent losing a child.
I feel I can say what I’m about to say because I am a grieving father
but ….
The mother’s loss of a child seems to take a heavier toll on
her life.
Since Jacob’s death I have seen a change in Karen. The fight that she carried to fend off the
death angels circling Jacob repeatedly throughout his life took a heavy
toll. Her Superwoman persona has taken
on some stress fractures and her fragility is showing. She still can be superhuman in spurts but her
physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being have been permanently
depleted. As my brother-in-law described
us, Karen and I are ‘damaged goods’.
That sounds rather harsh, but it is an accurate description. To most but our closest friends and family, Karen
and I may seem normal but we are a fraction of what we used to be.
To those who knew Karen in the past may not see any
significant differences when around her, but her Superwoman cape has been stolen by the forces
of life and death.
I believe this is the way of all mothers who have struggled
for the life of their children and have tragically lost the battle. They were Super Mom and Superwoman in the
midst of the conflict. Their capacity
for love and life were larger than life.
They carried on their normal life responsibilities to their husbands,
other children, and work as they fought the good fight side by side with their
struggling child. They were amazing to behold in the midst of the battle but
now the war is over and they show signs of PTSD. We who are close to them must take that into consideration when interacting with them. Our expectations need to be tempered due to the damage, seen and unseen, to them.
I know I’m going to pay dearly for this post because Karen does
not want this type of attention (in fact, I may need a place to stay for
awhile). Also she will say I paid just as
dear a price as her – and that is true.
I, too, have a diminished capacity for life. But I believe that a mother’s love for her
children is different – not deeper, only different – than a father’s love. And when a mother loses a child, her
Superwoman persona morphs into something different ….
A grieving, fragile mother. And you don't recover from that. You only learn to adjust to the limp in the gait of your life walk.
But she is still a super person….and I love her very, very
much!
