A Reunion to Remember

by Richard Edfeldt

Sleeping Lady Mountains

Ten years ago, members of the Ralph Edfeldt branch of the family tree arranged (through the extreme generosity of Ralph, the patriarch) to fly in from around the country to have Christmas in the state of Washington. David and Bonnie had scouted out suitable places and found the perfect location in Leavenworth (remember its Washington, not Kansas so forego the obvious joke fodder). The idyllic spot found was called Sleeping Lady Lodge, named for a range of nearby mountains and beautifully nestled along Icicle Creek. It was built as a camp site for the CCC back in the 1930’s and it has gone through several owners over the years. Now it is privately owned and is an absolutely perfect place for family reunions.

Each family had its own cabin on the property. We would slip and slide along on the sidewalks bordered in by waist deep snow to get to the dining room where we would feast on gourmet food created by a wonderful and personable chef. Each evening we would gather in a great room, complete with roaring fire, to play games, sing songs, and tell stories. Part of the celebration was for the upcoming 60^th wedding anniversary of mom and dad. We also decided to throw in an 80^th birthday party for mom. We were quite in the festive mood.

During the day we took on winter excursions that those from the South had never experienced. We tried hiking across the tundra in snowshoes and we properly embarrassed ourselves with cross-country skiing. On Christmas day, we all went to the Stephens Pass ski area. Some went skiing (or so we called it) and others went tubing, but all had fun. Karen and I took some lessons and were such ‘special students’ that, after the standard lessons were given, the instructor sent the rest of the class snow plowing down the hill and gave us extended teaching time so we wouldn't damage any trees on our excruciating journey down that mountain.

But the most memorable part of the trip was the day we went on a cross country tour via snowmobiles. There was an age requirement so Jacob was paired with me. We went through a few cursory instructions and then off we went.  Jacob and I was the caboose of the snowmobile train.

 We wound through meadows and jetted across frozen lakes. It was glorious. Part of the tour was to ascend a mountain for a breathtaking view at the top. So we headed up the side of the mountain using a switchback path when the improbable happened.

On one hairpin turn, I saw something out of the corner of my eye that caused me to lose control of the snowmobile and crash into the side of the mountain. Neither of us was injured (except maybe my pride) and no damage was done to the machine. However, in the crash the snowmobile had tipped over on its side.  I was pleased that Jacob and I had listened to the part of the instructions about bailing out on the high side of the machine if you felt it tipping over! But I was chagrined when we couldn't tip the machine back on to its skis.  We were stuck!

Now, remember …. I said we were last in line so nobody saw what had happened to us.  The line of snowmobiling Edfeldts was well past the next bend in the trail and no one had a clue where we were. When Jacob and I both acknowledged that we were fine, our next questions were, “What do we do now?” and “How did that happen?”  We checked to see if we had our candy bars on us so we knew we could survive and we knew we could eat the snow in order to stay hydrated. We were well into survival mode. So we began to address the second question. What happened that made us crash?

 

I started reviewing what had caused me to lose control. When I got to the part about something that had distracted me, that’s when Jacob nearly shouted, “I saw it too! I saw Sasquatch!”

WE HAD NEARLY RUN OVER THE LEGENDARY SASQUATCH!!

We rolled around and around in the snow laughing our heads off as we embellished our story to Mt. Everest proportions in order to explain what had happened when our rescuers would eventually arrive.  We both made a pact that that was our story and we were sticking to it!

Fortunately for us, Karen soon realized she couldn't see us and notified the guide. He circled the group back, up righted our snowmobile, and we finished a fantastic memory.

It truly was a perfect family reunion that year. But little did we realize on that trip that Jacob was battling an

undiagnosed disease of Protein Losing Enteropathy (PLE) that was causing his pudginess and lack of endurance. We were told it was the normal growth cycle of a young teenager and that we needed to watch his food intake and make him exercise more. But six months later, we were finally given test results which told of the disease (which is the subject of a previous blog) and the fatal toll it would inevitably take on Jacob’s ailing heart.

We also had no clue, as we enjoyed the beautiful northwest, that less than one year later, nine years ago today (December 21), our family and a multitude of friends would be waiting in a crowded room at Egleston Children’s Hospital and around the country to hear the greatest news. Jacob’s new heart was working! What a memorable Christmas!

But now we face another Christmas without him … his smile … his creative imagination …his incredible sense of humor…. his zeal for life.

But we will always have the memory of a Sasquatch sighting!

Another Anniversary

by Richard Edfeldt

For a person or a family that has lost a loved one, the grieving process is never complete … you only cope with it better and can mask the pain easier (most of the time). Sometimes the pain comes back in the most unexpected times and ways. It could be triggered by a song we sung together, a billboard with a word or picture that reminds you of an occasion, a car that is identical to what your loved one drove, a stranger who looks like him or her from the back, … strange things that remind you of how much your loved one is missed.

But then there are days you expect it. On the calendar you can see it coming for weeks ahead … and you begin to dread the dawning of that day. This day is one of them.

Everyone who has lost a loved one has a list of days that they may dread. There are the obvious ones, like birthdays, holidays, and the death anniversary. For parents who have lost a child, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are tough ones to endure. But for Karen and me, we have some added ones and today is one of them – today is the 6^th anniversary of Jacob’s second heart transplant.

Many of you participated in the vigil leading up to this event six years ago. Many of you cared for us and supported us. Many of you celebrated the successful surgery that gave Jacob another chance to live, though at an immeasurable cost to another family.

But for this anniversary, I can actually smile, amid the tears, at some of the remembrances of that day and the time leading up to it. Permit me to share on such memory and, maybe, you can smile too.

On November14, 2007, Jacob had completed yet another agonizing round of treatments in an effort to stop the body from rejecting his sick heart. But to no avail. His body was slowly shutting down. His name was now on top of the donor list. In one last ditch effort, the doctors had scheduled a procedure to extend his life while waiting for a donor heart to appear. They were planning to attach Jacob to a Ventricular Assist Device (VAD) that would serve as a temporary bridge until that heart could be found. This procedure had its own risks and you could sense a grimness in the tone as the doctors described this procedure to us. This surgery was scheduled for the morning of the 15^th.  But in the mean time, they encouraged us to gather any family and loved ones from out of town.

Ben, Beth, and baby Tucker had been flown in from Texas on the 14th to be with Jacob. What a way to celebrate Beth’s birthday – to fly across country in hopes of seeing your brother-in-law for possibly the last time!

They arrived shortly before midnight …. and five minutes later the tenor of the night changed dramatically.  A cardiac intern came to the door and announced nonchalantly that a donor heart had been located and preparations for a transplant were underway. He calmly walked away and we stared at each other not believing what we had just heard. In fact, Karen and I chased the intern down and made him repeat his announcement to make sure we hadn’t dreamed it. It was true; Jacob would undergo a second heart transplant in a number of hours.

We came back into the room and shared tears and hugs and began the arduous wait, but not without a funny incident that occurred  that always brings a smile to me when I remember it because it was ‘so Jacob’.

In the wee hours as we waited, a young (I mean YOUNG) chaplain intern came in to see how we were doing. She sat herself down in the circle of family and just watched the banter and verbal interplay that was going on around Jacob.  Every once in a while, she would try out something she had learned in a class and ask Jacob, “Well, how do you feel about this?” (Seriously? You’re asking such an inane, obviously answered question to someone who has just received a new opportunity for life?)

My favorite quote of hers was when she blurted out in the middle of a spirited conversation, “This is as exciting as watching a ping-pong match!” (I am not kidding!)

After some time, (felt like hours), I saw Jacob typing something out on his phone. I assumed that he was texting with a college friend when suddenly MY phone vibrated. I checked on it and saw that it was a text from Jacob. Here’s what it said:

GET HER OUT OF HERE!!!!!!

My head popped up and focused on Jacob. I saw his devious smile and laughter in his eyes as he nodded his head to the poor chaplain intern.  I had to cough to stifle the laughter that was trying to get out.

I went to the nurses’ station and asked if there was a way for them to get the intern to leave and give us some family time and they quickly obliged us.

You know the rest of the story. They soon came for Jacob and, after a torturous day of waiting, we received word that he had a

new, healthy heart. The surgeon came to us with the news that the new heart was beating strongly in him. And Dr. Kantor added, ‘not a minute too soon. His old heart was thoroughly worn out.’

And you know, that was Jacob’s life – he thoroughly wore out three hearts! He lived life to the max on each one. He loved life, loved his family, loved his friends, and loved his Lord.

Jacob, you are missed every day but on this significant day, the hole in our life is very noticeable.

The House at Pooh Corner

Christopher Robin and I walked along

Under branches lit up by the moon

Posing our questions to Owl and Eeyore

As our days disappeared all too soon

But I’ve wandered much further today than I should

And I can’t seem to find my way back to the Wood

                 Richard and I are downsizing and boy, what a pain! One of the disadvantages to having houses with basements and lots of storage spaces is that you save everything and you don’t even know it. We keep throwing out boxes and boxes of stuff, but it just seems like the stuff keeps multiplying. We plan to move to North Carolina next summer and our house there is a good bit smaller, so the stuff has to go. One of the big tasks we have to do before we put our house up for sale is to clean out the two storerooms in our basement. Our basement is not one of those cool basements you see on Pinterest. Instead, it is the old-fashioned kind – dark, damp, musty, and a little creepy; however, it must be done, so we have been spending our weekends sorting through boxes of stuff.

                I knew this would be emotional for me because I would be going through some childhood mementos of Jacob’s. I wasn’t prepared, however, for just how bittersweet it is looking at all of my children’s photos, stuffed animals, baby clothes, etc. For some reason, I saved every note they ever wrote me, their favorite stuffed animals (some with heads and arms missing), their report cards, even their “diplomas” from preschool. I had just spent three weeks this summer going through all of my mom’s belongings and wondering why she saved so much stuff and here, I had done the same thing.

Kermit the Frog, survivor of all 3 kids

So help me if you can

I’ve got to go back

To the House at Pooh Corner by one

You’d be surprised

There’s so much to be done

Count all the bees in the hive

Chase all the clouds from the sky

Back to days of Christopher Robin and Pooh

 One of things I do to help me get through this cleaning-out process is to listen to music on my iPhone. As I was going through boxes of Ben’s things today, Kenny Loggin’s “Return To Pooh Corner” started playing. As I listened to the song, tears began to flow. I was transported back to Kermit, Texas, rocking my first-born. I was scared to death, but so in love with this new little baby boy. I knew then, as I know now, that the best job I would ever have was to be a mom.

                                           This is a picture of Ben at about three months old.
 

Winnie the Pooh doesn’t know what to do
Got a honey jar stuck on his nose
He came to me asking help and advice
From here no one knows where to goes
So I sent him to ask of the Owl if he’s there
How to loosen a jar from the nose of a bear
 

When I was a new mother, I loved to read Winnie the Pooh books to Ben. I really didn’t appreciate what wonderful literature it was back then. As the years passed by and I started teaching, I began to understand why A.A.Milne’s books have been loved for so many years. I would spend hours reading them to all three children. On those long, hot, humid Houston summer days, it would seem like we were transported to the cool, lush woods of Christopher Robin and his friends. I can remember reading these books so often to the kids that I had them memorized. The kids had their favorite characters and would reenact the stories over and over and over again.

Katie, at about three weeks old.

 

elp me if I’ve got to backTo the House at Poh Corner by oneYou’d be surprisedThere’s so much to be doneCount all the bees in the hiveChase all the clouds from skyBack to the days of Christopher and Robin and Pooh. Help me if you can

I’ve got to get back

To the house at Pooh Corner by one

You’d be surprised

There’s so much to be done

Count all the bees in the hive

Chase all the clouds from the sky

Back to the days of Christopher Robin and Pooh.

 

 

                The tears flow as I look at pictures, baby books, stuffed animals, and so on. I think back to what life was like as a young mom, far away from family. This was before Facebook, Facetime, Skype and the Internet. I would talk to my mom and Richard’s mom once a week. If the kids were sick, I would call Dr. Mom and get her advice, a thousand miles away. I wasn’t sure I would ever make it out of those preschool years. The days were long, and a little scary. The years when I was totally homebound with Jacob were by far the most frightening. More about that for another time.   

Jacob at about one year old– I think.

It’s hard to explain how a few precious things

Seem to follow throughout all our lives

After all’s said and done I was watching my son

Sleeping there with my bear by his side

So I tucked him in, I kissed him and as I was going

I swear that the old bear whispered, “Boy, welcome home.”
 

 So, here I am, with my children grown, wondering where those days of Christopher Robin and his friends have gone. How did it happen so fast? I know young mothers don’t like for us older moms to say this, but, truly, it did go by in a blink of an eye. There are moments when I wish I could be transported back to where my children were snuggled up on the couch reading about the antics of Pooh. Then, I think if I have to read about Winnie the Pooh getting that silly honey jar stuck on his nose one more time, I may be tempted to break that jar with a baseball bat. I remember that there is a reason that the universe designed for moms to be young. I don’t think I could go through those preschool years again. It’s pretty fun having grown children who turned out to love each other and their family and not be too terribly messed up from the job I did as their mother.

One of my very, very favorite pictures….Christmas 2008, one of the last pictures of the three kids together.

 

 

And, of course, the best thing about having your kids grow up is that they give you adorable grandchildren.

 

 

We Must be Drunk

by Richard Edfeldt

People tell me (through words and observation) that drinking alcoholic beverages can affect your decision-making and actions. I don’t know that personally because I’ve never been drunk … at least from drinking alcohol too much.

But for thirty-seven years now (and an extra two years if you count our courtship) Karen and I have been crazy drunk … in love.  On this day, back in 1976, Karen and I were married.  And what a love drunk binge we’ve been on!

You may be asking, “Why are you referencing your marriage to being drunk?”  Well, explain to me what would cause two sane, fairly smart, extremely good looking people (well, at least Karen is) to experience the following for 37 years:

•  Get married at such a young age (21 & 19)
• Not waiting until after college to marry
• Leaving Orlando a year later to attend seminary without any promise of jobs or home and little money in the bank
• Move to west Texas (a tiny adorable place called Kermit) to begin a career and a family (welcome to the world, Ben)
• Moving to Houston, TX (hello Katie!!),  then Spring Hill, FL …. then Orlando, FL … then Gainesville, GA … then Marietta, GA …. and sometime in the near future, Otto, NC
• Experience two difficult births (Ben & Katie)
• Experience a devastating pregnancy (Jacob’s)
• Making life altering decisions in welcoming Jacob to the world (not the way I wanted to visit Philadelphia)
• Karen starting her career path in teaching and having me making her start over again, and again, and again each time I had a ‘better job’ opportunity
• Experiencing too many gut-wrenching, heart-aching, mind-numbing surgeries on Jacob
• The joy of watching Ben, Katie, and Jacob grow, graduate, and give to society
• Watching Ben leave the home to begin his own … and welcoming another daughter, Beth
• The thrill of grandparenthood …. and the agony of having them live a thousand miles away
• The ultimate crush of losing Jacob and the enduring pain that remains

Many marriages wouldn’t have survived what we have experienced. I know – I’ve talked to friends and acquaintances who – should I say sobered up – and walked away from a spouse, a family, and a career.

But we have moved together, worked together, fought together, laughed together, made decisions together, and remained together because we have kept drinking from the love mug … and loving together.

I am very thankful for Karen staying drunk in love with me. She has put up with my sloppiness, my sports addiction, my forgetfulness (including not getting a card for today’s anniversary), my warped sense of humor, my stupidity of often putting others and other things before her, and the list could go on but I don’t want to thoroughly destroy your nice thoughts about me and some things are better left unsaid. 

Thank you, Karen, for saying yes on July 24, 1976, and for continuing to say it every day since. I love you! Cheers!!!

DisneyWorld, Tinkerbell, and a green Lug bag

Who can say for certain

                                                                     Maybe you’re still here

I feel you all around me

Your memory’s so clear

Disneyworld - Tomorrow, we leave for Orlando for a short family get-together with Ben and family. My mom will get to meet Libby for the first time. This will be the first time that Ben has been able to see his grandmother and aunts since Jacob died. Wichita Falls, Texas is on the other side of the earth. Anyway, we are looking forward to being together. Be prepared for lots of cheesy pictures.

 

One of the things we are going to do is go to DisneyHell, oops, I meant DisneyWorld. I know, I know, it will be fun and all that, but it will be SO HOT!!!! If you have never been to Disney in the summer, then you know what I am talking about. Besides, I grew up in Orlando and was a teenager when Disney opened, so I get to complain. This was when it didn’t cost the price of your monthly house payment for a family to spend the day there…literally.

I have found myself getting very weepy about this trip. Part of the reason is that my mom is not in good health. A lot of emotions are swirling around here. Better not go there.

 

 

Thanksgiving 2008, with Grandmother and the Aunts.

Another reason for the tears is that DisneyWorld provided some wonderful memories for Jacob, not only as a child, but also as a college student. When he was in the hospital, after his second heart transplant, he asked his Aunt Carol if he could bring some friends down and stay at her house in Orlando. Don’t be fooled and think he was being sweet – he just wanted a free place for he and his friends to stay while they went to DisneyWorld. Of course, she said yes. He had such a good time, especially since he showed Disney proof that he had had a heart transplant, so he and his friends did not have to wait in line at all. And, they went in March so they did not have to experience DisneyHell. Here’s a picture of Jacob and his friends.

 

 Scott, Val, Sarah, Hannah, and Jacob at Disney. He does not have a dorky haircut - he is wearing his mouse ears. Sorry for the poor quality. I just took a picture of a picture that we had.

Deep in the stillness

I can hear you speak

You’re still an inspiration

Can it be

That you are my forever love

And are you watching over me

From up above

 

Tinkerbell - Jacob always loved to go to souvenir shops or gift shops. It didn’t matter where we would go; he had to check out the gift shop. When we were living in various hospitals, if he was able to get out of his room, then we would always have to visit the gift shop. It was the highlight of our day. Also, if anyone in our family ever got to go on a trip without the rest of the family, you better be bringing back some souvenirs for those of us left behind.

So, when Jacob made his Disney trip, he brought me back a souvenir. It is a little pin of Tinkerbelle. Jacob was in a community theater production of “Peter Pan” when he was younger, so this character was very special to us. I have kept this pin in my dresser drawer, not sure of what to do with it. I was packing and missing him very much this week. It still just doesn’t seem real to be going on a family vacation and one member of our family will not be there. I decided to put the pin on a straw hat that I am wearing to Disney. Ben and Katie are a little embarrassed that I am wearing it, but I have a good excuse….I do not need any more sun damage on my face. Did I tell you I grew up in Florida – for anyone other Floridians out there that are my age, you’ll remember the days of sunbathing on the roof of your house while soaking your skin with baby oil.

I keep getting distracted. Here’s a picture of the pin on my very stylish hat. I can’t wait to show pictures of me actually wearing it. I really can’t wait to embarrass my children wearing a hat. If you think it's fun embarrassing teen-agers, wait until you have adult children.

Fly me up to where you are

Beyond the distant star

I wish upon tonight

To see you smile

If only for a while to know you're there

A breath aways not far to where you are.

 

The green, Lug bag- I think I may have written about this before. On June 12, 2009, I was enjoying my first week of summer vacation. I met my friend, Gayle, and Katie for lunch. Afterwards, Gayle and I went shopping – something we do best. I am a really good shopper, if anyone ever needs any help. We went to this cute little place that had these great totes. Besides shoes and yarn, I also collect tote bags. I can always find an excuse to buy another tote bag – if nothing else but to carry my shoes and yarn in.

Anyway, I saw this great green overnight tote bag. It is a Lug bag and it has a zillion different pockets in it, plus it was just dadgum cute. I bought it. I came home and it was just a few hours later that Jacob came home and things went downhill from there. He died that Sunday.

That green bag took on some sort of ominous presence in my closet. Every time I looked at it, it reminded me of what life was life before Jacob died. It was sort of the dividing line – before and after Jake died. I stuck it in a closet in another bedroom and couldn’t use it for several years. I have tried a few times to use it, but I discovered I hated all those stupid pockets and why did I chose that nasty shade of green? It was just an irritant to me, but I couldn’t get rid of it.

So, you guessed it. I am taking the green Lug bag. I have carefully packed all the zillion pockets. I just hope I can remember what each of those pockets have in them. 

 

I didn't think anyone really wanted to see pictures of the zillion pockets inside. I'm hoping the company that makes Lug bags will see this and give me a check for my endorsement.

 

I know that my life will forever be defined by “before Jacob died" and "after Jacob died." It was an event that was and is just that traumatic. But, life does move on, whether you can handle it or not. That silly green bag wasn't to blame, nor was the fact that I let him go on a college yearbook retreat when deep down, I knew he wasn't feeling good. He kept telling me he was fine, but I knew something wasn't right. Even though the new transplant nurse told me that an extra dose of Lasix would help with the fluid, I knew I should have insisted on letting me talk to someone else.  I was trying so hard to not worry  every time he retained fluid. I really was trying to let him be independent. I was also so, so tired of just always being on hyper-alert. He was 21 and his doctors and nurses had kept telling me I needed to let him assume control of his health. Well, that didn't work so well.

I'll wrap this up. That green bag was something I would look at and think, "if only I hadn't gone shopping and enjoyed my day. I should have gone and brought him home from that retreat. I should have, I should have, I should have." I try not to let the "should haves" consume my thoughts, because I know that I did the best I could at that time; however, the thoughts are there and I just have to accept them and know that they will come out occasionally for me to deal with. It is what it is.

I'll close with one of my absolute favorite pictures of my three kids. I know I have written mostly about Jacob, but their time is coming, soon. They are going to hate me, but oh, how I love them.

Ben, Katie, and Jacob

Christmas 2008

Believe it or not, they were actually having fun together when this picture was taken.

 

Are you gently sleeping

Here inside my dream

And isn't faith believing

All power can't be seen

As my heart holds you

Just one beat away

I cherish all you gave me

Everyday

 

Cause you are mine

Forever love

Watching me from up above

And I believe that angels breathe

And that love will love on

And never leave

Fly me up to where you are

Beyond a distant star

I wish upon tonight

To see you smile

If only for awhile to know you're there

A breath aways not far to where you are

I know you're there
A breath away's not far to where you are

(Lyrics: "To Where You Are")

 



Jacob with Tucker. Oh, how he would have loved to have known Libby.