DisneyWorld, Tinkerbell, and a green Lug bag

Who can say for certain

                                                                     Maybe you’re still here

I feel you all around me

Your memory’s so clear

Disneyworld - Tomorrow, we leave for Orlando for a short family get-together with Ben and family. My mom will get to meet Libby for the first time. This will be the first time that Ben has been able to see his grandmother and aunts since Jacob died. Wichita Falls, Texas is on the other side of the earth. Anyway, we are looking forward to being together. Be prepared for lots of cheesy pictures.

 

One of the things we are going to do is go to DisneyHell, oops, I meant DisneyWorld. I know, I know, it will be fun and all that, but it will be SO HOT!!!! If you have never been to Disney in the summer, then you know what I am talking about. Besides, I grew up in Orlando and was a teenager when Disney opened, so I get to complain. This was when it didn’t cost the price of your monthly house payment for a family to spend the day there…literally.

I have found myself getting very weepy about this trip. Part of the reason is that my mom is not in good health. A lot of emotions are swirling around here. Better not go there.

 

 

Thanksgiving 2008, with Grandmother and the Aunts.

Another reason for the tears is that DisneyWorld provided some wonderful memories for Jacob, not only as a child, but also as a college student. When he was in the hospital, after his second heart transplant, he asked his Aunt Carol if he could bring some friends down and stay at her house in Orlando. Don’t be fooled and think he was being sweet – he just wanted a free place for he and his friends to stay while they went to DisneyWorld. Of course, she said yes. He had such a good time, especially since he showed Disney proof that he had had a heart transplant, so he and his friends did not have to wait in line at all. And, they went in March so they did not have to experience DisneyHell. Here’s a picture of Jacob and his friends.

 

 Scott, Val, Sarah, Hannah, and Jacob at Disney. He does not have a dorky haircut - he is wearing his mouse ears. Sorry for the poor quality. I just took a picture of a picture that we had.

Deep in the stillness

I can hear you speak

You’re still an inspiration

Can it be

That you are my forever love

And are you watching over me

From up above

 

Tinkerbell - Jacob always loved to go to souvenir shops or gift shops. It didn’t matter where we would go; he had to check out the gift shop. When we were living in various hospitals, if he was able to get out of his room, then we would always have to visit the gift shop. It was the highlight of our day. Also, if anyone in our family ever got to go on a trip without the rest of the family, you better be bringing back some souvenirs for those of us left behind.

So, when Jacob made his Disney trip, he brought me back a souvenir. It is a little pin of Tinkerbelle. Jacob was in a community theater production of “Peter Pan” when he was younger, so this character was very special to us. I have kept this pin in my dresser drawer, not sure of what to do with it. I was packing and missing him very much this week. It still just doesn’t seem real to be going on a family vacation and one member of our family will not be there. I decided to put the pin on a straw hat that I am wearing to Disney. Ben and Katie are a little embarrassed that I am wearing it, but I have a good excuse….I do not need any more sun damage on my face. Did I tell you I grew up in Florida – for anyone other Floridians out there that are my age, you’ll remember the days of sunbathing on the roof of your house while soaking your skin with baby oil.

I keep getting distracted. Here’s a picture of the pin on my very stylish hat. I can’t wait to show pictures of me actually wearing it. I really can’t wait to embarrass my children wearing a hat. If you think it's fun embarrassing teen-agers, wait until you have adult children.

Fly me up to where you are

Beyond the distant star

I wish upon tonight

To see you smile

If only for a while to know you're there

A breath aways not far to where you are.

 

The green, Lug bag- I think I may have written about this before. On June 12, 2009, I was enjoying my first week of summer vacation. I met my friend, Gayle, and Katie for lunch. Afterwards, Gayle and I went shopping – something we do best. I am a really good shopper, if anyone ever needs any help. We went to this cute little place that had these great totes. Besides shoes and yarn, I also collect tote bags. I can always find an excuse to buy another tote bag – if nothing else but to carry my shoes and yarn in.

Anyway, I saw this great green overnight tote bag. It is a Lug bag and it has a zillion different pockets in it, plus it was just dadgum cute. I bought it. I came home and it was just a few hours later that Jacob came home and things went downhill from there. He died that Sunday.

That green bag took on some sort of ominous presence in my closet. Every time I looked at it, it reminded me of what life was life before Jacob died. It was sort of the dividing line – before and after Jake died. I stuck it in a closet in another bedroom and couldn’t use it for several years. I have tried a few times to use it, but I discovered I hated all those stupid pockets and why did I chose that nasty shade of green? It was just an irritant to me, but I couldn’t get rid of it.

So, you guessed it. I am taking the green Lug bag. I have carefully packed all the zillion pockets. I just hope I can remember what each of those pockets have in them. 

 

I didn't think anyone really wanted to see pictures of the zillion pockets inside. I'm hoping the company that makes Lug bags will see this and give me a check for my endorsement.

 

I know that my life will forever be defined by “before Jacob died" and "after Jacob died." It was an event that was and is just that traumatic. But, life does move on, whether you can handle it or not. That silly green bag wasn't to blame, nor was the fact that I let him go on a college yearbook retreat when deep down, I knew he wasn't feeling good. He kept telling me he was fine, but I knew something wasn't right. Even though the new transplant nurse told me that an extra dose of Lasix would help with the fluid, I knew I should have insisted on letting me talk to someone else.  I was trying so hard to not worry  every time he retained fluid. I really was trying to let him be independent. I was also so, so tired of just always being on hyper-alert. He was 21 and his doctors and nurses had kept telling me I needed to let him assume control of his health. Well, that didn't work so well.

I'll wrap this up. That green bag was something I would look at and think, "if only I hadn't gone shopping and enjoyed my day. I should have gone and brought him home from that retreat. I should have, I should have, I should have." I try not to let the "should haves" consume my thoughts, because I know that I did the best I could at that time; however, the thoughts are there and I just have to accept them and know that they will come out occasionally for me to deal with. It is what it is.

I'll close with one of my absolute favorite pictures of my three kids. I know I have written mostly about Jacob, but their time is coming, soon. They are going to hate me, but oh, how I love them.

Ben, Katie, and Jacob

Christmas 2008

Believe it or not, they were actually having fun together when this picture was taken.

 

Are you gently sleeping

Here inside my dream

And isn't faith believing

All power can't be seen

As my heart holds you

Just one beat away

I cherish all you gave me

Everyday

 

Cause you are mine

Forever love

Watching me from up above

And I believe that angels breathe

And that love will love on

And never leave

Fly me up to where you are

Beyond a distant star

I wish upon tonight

To see you smile

If only for awhile to know you're there

A breath aways not far to where you are

I know you're there
A breath away's not far to where you are

(Lyrics: "To Where You Are")

 



Jacob with Tucker. Oh, how he would have loved to have known Libby.