I'm Gonna Love You Like I'm Gonna Lose You

If you’ve known any of us Edfeldts for a while you know we love our music. And it encompasses a wide variety of styles. Some of us like instrumental jazz, some like classical, some like Christian, some like top 40,  a few of us like a little bit of country  while others like a little bit of rock and roll (my apologies to Donnie and Marie Osmond) and all of us like musical theater. 

Well,  there are some words to a recently top of the charts hit that were written for a different purpose but I feel they are very poignant on this day when my family recognizes that it was eight years ago that Jacob lost his lifelong battle with defective heart issues.

Meghan Trainor wrote a song titled “Like I’m Going to Lose You” after she had a nightmare that involved sensing that loved one of hers had died.  She woke up in a cold sweat and quickly reached out to touch that loved one and to be reassured as she heard the voice of that person. Then she penned these moving words:

I found myself dreaming ; In silver and gold
Like a scene from a movie; That every broken heart knows

we were walking on moonlight; And you pulled me close
Split second and you disappeared and then I was all alone

I woke up in tears; With you by my side
A breath of relief
And I realized; No, we're not promised tomorrow

So I'm gonna love you; Like I'm gonna lose you
I'm gonna hold you; Like I'm saying goodbye wherever we're standing
I won't take you for granted 'cause we'll never know when; When we'll run out of time

So I'm gonna love you; Like I'm gonna lose you
I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you

In the blink of an eye; Just a whisper of smoke
You could lose everything; The truth is you never know

Let's take our time; To say what we want
Use what we got; Before it's all gone
'Cause no, we're not promised tomorrow

So I'm gonna love you; Like I'm gonna lose you
I'm gonna hold you; Like I'm saying goodbye wherever we're standing
I won't take you for granted 'cause we'll never know when; When we'll run out of time

so I'm gonna love you; Like I'm gonna lose you
I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you

Fortunately, for Meghan Trainor it was a nightmare that she was able to wake up from.  But on June 14, 2009, our nightmare was realized and it goes on to this day.  In the eight years since Jacob died, we have made adjustments to become somewhat accustomed to living this nightmare. But we know that we won’t be able to wake up and reach out and touch Jacob again nor to hear his gravelly but sweet voice.

So we want to urge you to take the song’s words to heart. To those that you love, let them know of your love daily and don’t take it for granted that you can tell them tomorrow. Spend time talking to them and always end it with “I love you”. Do things together – things you like and things they like. Kiss them a little longer and more often.  Reach for their hand and hold it for no other reason than it may not be there to hold tomorrow. Hug them a little tighter and whisper in their ear, “I love you” because Karen and I can tell you …

.… we wish we could do so with Jacob today.

In Tribute to Zuzu

Beth's portrait of Zuzu

Yesterday was one of those days every pet owner dreads, yet inevitably experiences; that day when we lose one of our four legged children.  For Karen and me, we decided that our beloved miniature schnauzer, Zuzu, had lived a beautiful life and that she had suffered enough through the last few months. 

First of all, I want to express my deepest appreciation to Karen for her empathy and courage in taking on the brunt of taking Zuzu to the vet and being with Zuzu when she was euthanized.  Karen knew that if we both went, it would have been harder on both of us so she did this (with my consent) while I was out of town.  My biggest regret was that I couldn’t be with her but she had a good friend (and fellow lover of Zuzu) with her.

As I was driving home I repeatedly checked the time on the clock and imagined Karen walking into the office of the vet with Zuzu in her arms and having to wait.  A few minutes later, I’d peek at the clock and think that Karen was stroking Zuzu and thanking her for her years of joy and love.  Then a moments later, the clock would suggest to me that Karen was tearfully saying and sharing our final good-byes.

Bailey & Zuzu

For the rest of the trip I let memories of the last 16 years that Zuzu created for us entertain me; such as:

• Her immediate bond with her older Labrador retriever sister, Bailey (and fellow namesake from the movie, It’s A Wonderful Life).
• Her incessant desire to play ball.  She spent hours running up and down our back porch stairs in Marietta chasing a bouncing tennis balls. Our daughter-in-law even painted a portrait of Zuzu in her favorite pose.
• Her laser focus on our many early morning walks (with me and Bailey) back and forth on West Sandtown Rd. Nothing would distract her as we walked our two miles each day in the pre-dawn hours.
• Her cat like independence.  When she wanted attention, she’d let you know and expect immediate action.  Otherwise, just leave her alone…. until the next meal.
•  After we had to put Bailey down (another terrible day), we saw that Zuzu needed a playmate so we brought in Ernie (yes, named for another character from the same movie).  They instantly bonded with Ernie becoming Zuzu’s shadow, much to her displeasure at times.
• In the last years in 'our meadow', watching her bunny hop down the road to our house after a short walk.

When you bring a dog (or pet) into your home you fall quickly and deeply in love.  Pet owners always say that they are a member of the family.  We conveniently keep safely away from our cognitive memory that their lifespan will be only 10-15 years.  So, when “that” day comes, that grief still hits us like a ton of bricks. As Philip Yancey so accurately defines, “in grief, love and pain converge”.  You swear you’ll never want to get another pet because of the pain you’re experiencing.  Yet in a few months, you often repeat the cycle and experience that unique love a pet brings once again.

Yet, for Karen, Katie, and me, this grief pain reveals itself at another, deeper level.  In the loss of Zuzu, we lose yet another connection with the life of Jacob.  Back in 2001 we received Zuzu from a litter owned by Karen’s cousin, Lisa Sinaird soon after we moved to Marietta.  Jacob and Katie were with us when we picked Zuzu up to take her home. She became fast friends with Bailey and a source of love and entertainment to all of us.  Her presence in our household helped Jacob and Katie make the transition to a new community a little easier. When those days when things were difficult at school in making friends, they could home to that twitching stub of a tail and knew that they were loved.  It was wonderful to watch them all grow older together.

When Jacob became so sick before his first transplant Zuzu was there to bring love and encouragement. And when he was recuperating after the transplant, Zuzu would play nurse by checking on him with regularity. She was our exclusive therapy dog.

Now we have lost one more tangible piece of shared experience with Jacob.  And we have lost one more treasured pet who spent their life bringing us unconditional and continual love.

Zuzu, thanks for your years of love and service.  Tell Bailey and Jacob ‘hello’ for us.

Ernie, Zuzu, & Elphie

Does It Ever Get Any Easier?

by Richard Edfeldt

Does it ever get any easier .....

to talk to others about Jacob’s life and his death?

to survive special dates like his birthday, Mother's Day, Father's Day, and other holidays?

to survive special events within our family and in the lives of our friends that we know we'll never experience with Jacob

  - such as birth of babies and all the parties that precede it?

  - weddings of friends' children who shared their childhood with Jacob or are the approximate age as he would be plus all the showers leading up to that blessed event?

to drive through neighborhoods and stop in front of houses from years gone by where we shared life with Jacob, Ben, and Katie, remembering all the good times experienced within those walls?

to drive by schools and other places where Jacob went or participated in functions?

to walk through hospital hallways and visit in rooms which inevitably evoke countless memories?

to sit in the same church sanctuary and recall images of him worshiping in the balcony or helping to lead in worship with a group?

to be in that same church sanctuary and remember where you sat at his memorial service?

to drive by graveyards, particularly the one where he is interred, and be jolted once again with the finality of it all?

Is it any easier after all these intervening years?   

Well, it may be easier to cope with emotions and control your feelings better   

    .... the tears are less frequent   

         .... you may even smile at the memories

              .... and you may share a laugh about an experience or a quirk of his personality

              

BUT, grief still sneaks up on you unexpectedly as well as the expected times listed above.  Sometimes you can make it through the day or event, but just as often you can't suppress the tide of grief that rises within you.  The sadness and grief can still overwhelm you.

So, the ultimate answer is NO, it never gets easier.  You are just caught off guard less, but the grief still remains, ever lurking in the shadows.

Three Beeps

by Richard Edfeldt

Whenever I drive by the cemetery where Jacob is buried I beep my carhorn 3 times, in essence saying “I Love You.”  I know, I know, I can hear some of you rolling your eyes and saying, “That’s something we did as teenagers.”  That’s true, it was popular thing to do a generation ago to honk your horn 3 times whenever you drove by your girlfriend’s house to let her know of ‘your undying and unabashed love for her.’  I’m sure that the parents and neighbors were glad to hear that reminder that as well!

I’ve been told that my beeping of my carhorn for Jacob is kind of silly and corny.  And if you think about it logically, it is because …. he can’t even hear it!  But I still do it and here’s why:  I find that it gives me a sense of connectedness to him and a way of saying, “You’re not forgotten.  I still love you and miss you.”

 

There are other ways people figuratively ‘beep a horn’ in remembrance of those they’ve loved and lost:

-  People carry around special items

    - I have 2 fish shaped carabiners on my work backpack that were Jacob’s

- People keep special clothes

   - Karen occasionally wears a shirt of Jacob’s from when he was a part of an informal club that he and 3other friends in high school created called BTEC – Better Than Everyone Club.  Yeah, they made shirts and everything!
   - Some of Jacob’s closest college friends took one of Jacob’s tee shirts and stuffed it into a big pillow and gave it to us so we could feel close to him.
   - I have kept several souvenir shirts from Jacob’s theatrical endeavors.  Our plans are to create a memory  quilt from them.

Beth's painting

- People display pictures

   - We have various pictures of Jacob with family and friends we have scattered around the house.
   - We also have two paintings that were done for us.  One by our talented daughter-in-law, Beth (and based on a picture taken by Christine Tegg) and a portrait done by a cousin of Karen's.
   - Plus we have scanned a host of pictures of him throughout his life so we don’t lose them (like we did with some of them in our recent flood).

- People eat special food and meals

   - On significant days we eat Mexican food because that was a favorite of Jacob.
   - I periodically eat a Subway sandwich that Jacob would request when there was a period of time when that was all he wanted and he was allowed to eat.
   - On occasion we’ll get snack foods (flaming hot cheetos, sour punch gummy worms, Cheerwine) in memory of him
   - We have signs on our back porch of Mountain Dew and Cheerwine because they were favorite drinks of his.

- People have special signals and movements

  - You can’t watch a sporting event without seeing a player tap their heart and point to the sky in memory of a loved one.
  - And I beep when I pass the cemetery.
    

So, you see, there is a host of ways we who have loved and lost someone do something to keep that person who is no longer an active part of our life an active memory in our life.

Is that really so bad or corny to do?

Me with the Shorter College tee shirt Jacob gave me to announce his acceptance into the school.