After Jacob's death, Karen created this blog to record insights in her grief journey. I would periodically write my insights on notes posted to my Facebook page. We feel it would be best served if we combined our efforts so I am beginning the process of copying those notes to this blog. They won't be in chronological order but I will put the original date on each one.
Five years ago today, Jacob died….at the age of 21. This day, more than any other day of the year, is a difficult one to deal with. The date, June 14th, dredges up the memories of THAT day.
Jacob was in intensive care on that fateful Sunday, battling his body’s rejection of his second transplanted heart. The doctors had just completed the first cycle of an anti-rejection regimen when he suddenly seized up and went into cardiac arrest. Karen and I were at the bedside when it happened and immediately called in the nurses and doctors who were in the hallway composing notes and putting away equipment. They quickly escorted us across the hall and began, vainly, to try to bring him back. Those images are permanently and horribly seared into our memories despite the many times we try to wash them away with our tears. No parent should have to watch their son (or daughter) die!
But other memories also come and they bring some comfort and healing.
Obviously, many of the memories revolve around Jacob. We close our eyes and see snapshots of happier days contained in those 21 years.
You know the odd thing about death …. it freezes memories of that person at that age or younger. We can always imagine what Jacob would look like and what he would be doing if he were alive today, but Jacob will always be twenty-one or at an earlier age when a memory comes to mind.
· We see his impish smile as a toddler … or a preschooler … or as a young child.
· We remember his sense of humor in the face of hospitalizations.
· We see the hurt caused by bullies at school and, sometimes, even at church – but we also see him grow resolute to not allow them domination of his spirit.
· We remember times of him sharing his fear of a short lifespan due to his weakened heart.
· We are reminded of his love for worship through songs we hear.
· We remember the absolute adulation he had for his brother and sister.
· We remember his pride in being an uncle, which then leads to a dismay that he had such a short time to enjoy those moments with Tucker and those moments that never came for Libby.
· We smile at memories of Jacob at home or on trips with the family, or the times we visited him at his college home at Shorter.
· We remember a scrapbook full of experiences at school and at church, and many trips that involved one or the other.
These memories are all we have now. They are stirred by pictures, by ‘works of art’ he created, songs we know he loved, gifts he gave us, or a stuffed T-shirt he wore given to us by his dear college friends, and many other mementos that surround us. The memories comfort us, bring us smiles, make us laugh and bring us tears. Admittedly, they are a very poor substitute for having him still with us, but they are all we have.
But there are other memories that comfort us. These memories are shared with us by the plethora of people we have met because of Jacob. They have shared what an impact he has had on their life.
We are thankful for ….
· Our wonderful extended family that shares with us their love for Jacob and the empty place they have in their hearts because of his absence.
· School teachers and college professors who have shared how he always lit up a room when he entered.
· Sunday school teachers who speak with great fondness of his eagerness to chase rabbits instead of Bible verses.
· Little league baseball coaches who reacted like they had just won the World Series when Jacob, who had to wear a flak jacket to protect his heart, got his only hit in ‘coach’s pitch’ baseball.
· Neighbors who commented how he always smiled and waved to them when he arrived at home or when he was leaving.
· His two sets of ‘second parents’ (John & Helen Tegg and John & Kim Moore) who entertain us with stories and memories of their own.
· Fellow students from high school and college who have kept up with us through Facebook and share with admiration and love of his friendship and how it has changed their life.
· Church members who would speak of how his devotion to God, in the face of great adversity, challenged them to grow deeper in their faith.
These are the other avenues of memories that help defend us when despair is pounding on our door. We are thankful for these people.
Philip Yancey (my absolute favorite author) describes these people this way in his book, ‘Where Is God When It Hurts?’ They are ….”Someone who was there whenever needed, who listened more than talked, who didn’t keep glancing down at a watch, who hugged and touched, and cried. In short, someone who was available, and came on the sufferer’s terms and not their own.”
So now we live on these memories for they are all we have left to sustain us.
Thank you for helping us survive and thank you for your impact you made on Jacob’s short life here on earth.
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