After Jacob's death, Karen created this blog to record insights in her grief journey. I would periodically write my insights on notes posted to my Facebook page. We feel it would be best served if we combined our efforts so I am beginning the process of copying those notes to this blog. They won't be in chronological order but I will put the original date on each one.
Early this morning (5'ish) I was returning home after taking my nephew to the airport. He was returning to his Coast Guard station in St. Thomas (yeah, tough assignment). The drive reminded me of the many early morning drives Karen and I had taken with Jacob for his heart catheterizations at Egleston. That "missing him terribly" feeling closed in over me.
Then I heard on the radio, Jenny Owen's song, "If You Want Me To", and these words:
"It may not be the way I would have chosen,
When You lead me through a world that's not my home.
But You never said it would be easy, You only said I'll never go alone."
That song was immediately followed by Matt Redman's song, "Blessed Be Your Name", with these words:
"Blessed be Your name on the road marked with suffering, though there's pain in the offering, blessed be Your name."
The song closes with, "You give and take away, you give and take away, my heart will choose to say, 'Lord, blessed be your name."
In the cubicle of my car's interior, I experienced a time of hard, tough worship.
When both of those songs first came out, they quickly became a favorites of mine. Not because they boasted of God's blessings and favoritism on my life, because they emphatically don't. The words do remind me that being a disciple of Christ is a hard road. We don't get what we want all the time. In fact, we often seem to get the 'short end of the stick'. In all of the hard knocks and 'that's not fair' that comes our way, God's only promise is "You're not alone" and He asks us to trust Him.
Trusting Him is a choice. Blessing Him is a choice. Right now, that's a hard pill to swallow (no pun intended, Jacob) when someone you've loved is ripped from your life. But that is what God, in His tender love and mercy and patience, is asking me to do.
Right now, I'm trying to do that. I may not always do it with my whole heart .... doing it out of obedience but not out of love .... kind of like the child who says to his parent, "I may be sitting down on the outside, but I'm still standing up on the inside!" You may see that as childish and, yeah, you're right, but that's where I am right now.
But in hearing those two songs this morning, I sensed God was patting my shoulder and saying, "Richard, that's alright for right now. I'll take what you're giving because I know that the 'love' part is coming."
So, I'm still standing on the inside, but I also know that God has His arm around me and so ....
for today, I'm choosing to say, "Blessed Be Your Name."
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