After Jacob's death, Karen created this blog to record insights in her grief journey. I would periodically write my insights on notes posted to my Facebook page. We feel it would be best served if we combined our efforts so I am beginning the process of copying those notes to this blog. They won't be in chronological order but I will put the original date on each one.
I have a pretty good collection of “Life is Good” apparel – T-shirts, L/S Tees, hats, golf shirts, etc. They are very comfortable to wear and I, usually, agree with the cutesy sayings they have. Mine revolve around golf, baseball, and the mountains because those are dear to me.
But today, on the second anniversary of Jacob’s death, when I read “life is good” emblazoned across my chest, my reaction is, “Really? Not today”
Usually, I’m a “cup’s half full” kind of guy. Usually, I try to seek out the positive in a situation. Usually, I look for the ‘win/win’ scenario…. but not today.
I also have plenty of friends and family who have this same type of personality – they always try to cheer up a tough situation (i.e. “look on the bright side”) or they like to throw in a “God” statement (i.e. “God’s in control and He knows what He’s doing”) I know all the statements. In fact, I’ve used all the statements …. but not today.
Yes, I know all the ‘right’ things to say, and honestly, deep down inside, I still hold on to them (though today’s hard to do so). I’ve heard statements like:
Statement #1: “Look what you still have around you” – I do have a wonderful, supportive, understanding, patient, and kind wife. I have two loving, caring children (Ben and Katie) still with me and Karen. Ben has married a wonderful lady (Beth) who has blended right into the fabric of our family. They have provided two (so far) wonderful grandchildren (Tucker and Libby Kate) who call me “Pops”. And my extended family is the best in the world. So I do greatly appreciate what I still have around me …. but today I ache for one who will never be around me again.
Statement #2: “God has a plan for this.” – In my opinion, this one is open for debate. Over the years of struggle in keeping Jacob alive my theology changed shape. Some beliefs that were drummed into me as I grew up don’t seem to line up like they used to. This is not the occasion to get in an argument but before you begin calling me a heretic, let me tell you what I do know. I do know God loves me. I do know that my salvation is secure in Jesus Christ. I do know that even though when I feel alone, isolated, and abandoned that God is still there. I do know in my darkest hours, God’s tears are mingled in mine. Beyond that, I don’t have the cockiness of belief that I once had or that I’ve heard from others …. And I’m OK with that (but I’m not OK with their cockiness). I would say my faith has become more child-like. I don’t understand much of what has gone on in my life much like a child, but I hold on to my trust in my heavenly father. There are even times when I’m angry at my Father (like a child) but I hold on to my baseline of trust. Why? Because, in the midst of bewilderment and anger at God, there is an innate sense that God loves me and cares for me and I need to trust Him – like a child can trust his/her parents on days like today.
Statement #3: “Be glad for the years you did have with Jacob.” – WOW, is that a loaded sentence! I am certainly thankful for the years we had with Jacob, despite all the fear, worry, and uncertainty that came with each year. I would do it again in a heartbeat. But that same heart’s deepest wish is that he would still be with us. I know he is in a far better place, with a body with no limitations. But his leaving has left me in a lesser place which will never be the same again. I do not wish him back to a life of pain, medical procedures, and a regimen of medicine. I do wish that I could hug him, touch him, hear his laugh, see his smile, talk about his day, and enjoy a show with him. I know he’s ‘always with me’ but as the story goes, I want a Jacob ‘with skin on’ one more time on a day like today.
I could go on but you probably can’t, won’t or didn’t. Let me just say, I know ‘life is good’. I wear the shirts because I agree with the statements. What touches me more is that Jacob did too. He was one that has ‘been there, done that, and got the T-shirt”. Despite what he had to endure on a daily basis, he saw that ‘life is good’. He wore the shirt! (In fact, many in the family wear those same shirts as a remembrance to him) He enjoyed life, soaked it in, and let it overflow onto those around him. Many of you have blessed me with your testimony to that fact. Jacob chose to see ‘life is good’ and lived his 21 years to the maximum good.
So I know ….. LIFE IS GOOD ….. just not for today.
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