After Jacob's death, Karen created this blog to record insights in her grief journey. I would periodically write my insights on notes posted to my Facebook page. We feel it would be best served if we combined our efforts so I am beginning the process of copying those notes to this blog. They won't be in chronological order but I will put the original date on each one.
If you have not lost someone to death or conflict but know someone who has, let me give you a hint: They may be smiling and laughing during this season of joy, but if you watch them closely enough or long enough, you’ll see that smile fade and their eyes brim with tears.
When you have lost someone, the holiday seasons are hard to endure. Your circle is now incomplete and it will never be complete again. You may ‘get on in life’ but your life is never the same. You may be able to laugh and enjoy times with family and friends, but the energy expended during those times is incredible. If you watch them, they will steal away for a few moments to re-energize. Or you might see them find a quiet place and watch their face become etched with sorrow and pain, as their sense of loss envelops them for the moment.
The grieving person does not want to be a ‘party pooper’ but they also may feel resentful that everyone can be so happy and gleeful. It is such a paradox in their lives – they want to laugh and be happy (and there are times when they are) yet there is a part of them that feels guilty when they do. There’s no rationale for it but the loss of a loved one is not rational in the eyes of the grieving person.
As to what to do, there are several ways to handle it: When you see them slip away, allow them that time to grieve and gather themselves. Or you can comfort them with your silent presence and comforting touch. At another time you can speak to them and acknowledge their struggle and that their world is forever changed. Share a word of memory about the person they grieve over.
Finally, whether they acknowledge it or not (and more times than not they won’t), the grieving person does appreciate your presence and words of comfort. They don’t need words of explanation and God certainly doesn’t need someone trying to explain why things happen. But the grieving person does appreciate that people recognize that they are hurting and will always hurt. The wound may scab over but there will be times when the scab is picked off and the bleeding and hurt is evident to all. It’s awkward …. But it’s life. And we live life together.
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